Dear Jane, Still Obsessed Over My Ex
About two years ago I broke up with my on-again/0ff-again boyfriend. We had a pretty tumultuous relationship and we both weren’t the highest version of ourselves when we were together.
Even though it’s been a while since the breakup, I haven’t been able to fully move on from my ex. If I’m being honest, I still stalk him, his other exes, and his new romantic interests on social media. I just can’t stop myself from seeing what he’s up to.
I would turn to my friends to talk about him and obsess over what he might be doing, who he might be doing it with, and whether or not I should try to get back together with him. He wasn’t the greatest guy, but I still love him.
I know that my friends got tired of me always dumping my relationship problems onto them and they have been distancing themselves from me. They aren’t inviting me out as much and they’ve stopped responding to my texts. I know that I can be a bit overbearing with my ex stuff. But what are friends for, right? How do I finally get over my ex?
– Hung-up On My Ex
Ask for forgiveness for your part in the demise of your relationship and then forgive your ex, whether or not he has ever apologized. It’s time to let go of the past so it can stop sabotaging your future. ”
Dear Hung-up On My Ex,
First off, sorry to hear about your break-up. Even if it’s for the best, ending a relationship can be hard and painful. But with that being said, it’s been two years and it’s time to heal, move on, and hopefully, get your friends back.
I’m going to give you some tough, so buckle up buttercup and start taking action to reclaim some sanity and support into your life.
#1: Get a therapist
I would schedule some time with a licensed therapist who can be an objective sounding board for your relationship issues and offer some guidance on how to heal the root cause of your obsessive behavior and relationship patterns. Give your friends a break so that they can be your friends, a source of support, and not your emotional dumping grounds.
#2: Grab a Hello Mellow capsule, a pen, and a notebook
Carve out some time and take a Hello Mellow capsule to relax your mind and body. Then write a long letter to your ex. Write down everything that’s been running through your mind about your past experiences with him. Write down everything that you miss about him, that you hate about him, that you love about him, and so on. Ask for forgiveness for your part in the demise of your relationship and then forgive your ex, whether or not he has ever apologized. Then rip up the letter or burn it. It’s time to let go of the past so it can stop sabotaging your future.
#3: Do a Social Media Detox
Block, mute, or delete his accounts, his exes accounts, and his current love interests accounts from your social media platforms. Obsessing over their posts will only drive you crazy and create a toxic mindset. Just pull the trigger and clean your social media slate. Out of sight, out of mind.
#4: Make Amends with Your Friends
Ask your friends for a socially distanced coffee, Zoom call, or FaceTime, and take accountability for having used them as your emotionally dumping grounds. You might want to gift them with a Go Away, I’m Fizzy CBD bath bomb as a token of your appreciation for their friendship. Let them know that you’re going to therapy, you’ve blocked your ex on social media, and that you’re committed to moving on in your life in a healthy way. Be sure to ask them questions about their lives and be interested in being a source of support for them as well. You’ll be back to being thick as thieves in no time.
And always remember: Know your worth, and then add tax.
Jane is the fictional heroine of the Betoken lifestyle blog, Good For Jane. Think of Jane as your virtual BFF. She lives a healthy lifestyle, but not like, over the top. When it’s not a pandemic, she loves hanging out with her friends, dating, and exercising in public. Throughout the pandemic she has baked her fair share of sourdoughs, gotten more than her fair share of takeout to “support her local restaurants”, ordered wine online and taken plenty of CBD to keep the anxiety at bay.
Jane is also the editor of the Dear Jane column. If you have a question for Jane, you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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