Dear Jane, My best friend betrayed me, what do I?
Making friends as an adult has been a bit tough. When I landed my dream job, I moved across the country and left the majority of my friends on the West Coast as I settled into my new life on the East Coast.
After a few months and actively going to networking events, I found a new group of girls to have dinners, drinks, and brunches with, but never quite felt the same level of comfort as I did with my old group of friends until I started spending my lazy Saturdays and afterwork Happy Hours with one particular friend, let’s called her, ‘Amy,’ because we were both new to the friendship circle and single.
Amy and I became thick as thieves and our casual friendship evolved into us becoming best friends over the last few years. However, I noticed a change in our friendship when I started dating my current boyfriend and her last string of relationships ending up in painful break-ups.
Our conversations went from playful and positive to nasty and negative as she became more and more jaded by the break-ups. I slowly started to distance myself, but I still wanted to support my friend and see if we could salvage our friendship until my boyfriend told me that she had been secretly texting him and wanted to meet up. When I confronted her about it, she lied and accused me of being insecure and jealous. Obviously, a blow-up fight ensued and we haven’t spoken since.
Our fight has caused a rift in our friend group and no one wants to take sides, but our group outings can be awkward at times as Amy and I give each other the silent treatment.
Should I just forgive and forget with Amy and chalk it up to her going through a tough time? I’m dreading having to start over with finding new friends, but I can’t believe she betrayed me by going behind my back with me boyfriend.
What should I do?
– Fearful of Finding Friends
Finding friends as an adult can definitely be tough, but that doesn’t mean that you have to settle for fake or toxic ones.
Dear Fearful of Finding Friends,
You’re totally right. Finding friends as an adult can definitely be tough, but that doesn’t mean that you have to settle for fake or toxic ones.
I would first treat your boyfriend to a special date with a Go Away, I’m Fizzy CBD-infused bath bomb bubble bath, dinner, drinks, and a massage, because it sounds like that you’ve found yourself a keeper. I applaud his honesty with you in letting you know that Amy was trying to connect with him behind your back, so I’d make cultivating a healthy relationship with your boyfriend your first priority.
Next, I would enjoy a Hello Mellow capsule which may help to ease your anxiety around having to find new friends because you don’t have to.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying to stay friends with Amy, because as the great Maya Angelou once said, “When people show you who they are, believe them,” and Amy has shown that she’s not one to be trusted, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t stay in the friendship group as a whole.
I would suggest that you talk one-on-one with each of your friends in the group and explain to them your side of the story without asking them to take sides. Let them know what your boundaries are when it comes to Amy.
For example, perhaps ask them not to share your private business with her and that although it’s fine for them to invite to gatherings that you won’t be inviting her when you’re the one hosting the parties.
When it comes to Amy, I would suggest cutting ties and making a clean break from the friendship. As adults, it’s simply not worth it to try to make a friendship work with someone who tried to sabotage your relationship.
Remember, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don’t get fooled again by a fake friend. Also, expand your friendship circle and I’m sure you’ll have a new bestie in no time.
Jane is the fictional heroine of the Betoken lifestyle blog, Good For Jane. Think of Jane as your virtual BFF. She lives a healthy lifestyle, but not like, over the top. When it’s not a pandemic, she loves hanging out with her friends, dating, and exercising in public. Throughout the pandemic she has baked her fair share of sourdoughs, gotten more than her fair share of takeout to “support her local restaurants”, ordered wine online and taken plenty of CBD to keep the anxiety at bay.
Jane is also the editor of the Dear Jane column. If you have a question for Jane, you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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