Dear Jane, I’m single and it’s Valentine’s Day, how do I deal?
Normally being single isn’t really that big of a deal to me. Honestly, I usually see my single status as a badge of honor as an independent woman. I go on fun socially distanced dates here and there and I don’t envy my friends who are trapped in unhappy relationships but are too afraid of being alone to leave.
But with Valentine’s Day sneaking up on us this weekend, I also find a sense of sadness sneaking up with it. A part of me wants to have a special someone to spoil me with gifts, chocolates, and flowers. I feel guilty about feeling desperate for validation through a relationship when I’ve always prided myself for being so independent.
How do I deal with my conflicting emotions of sadness, guilt, and wanting to be an empowered ‘single lady’ while secretly wanting a relationship?
– Strong and single yet sad and searching.
But the truth is, wanting to be loved doesn’t make you any less of an empowered woman, it just makes you an honest one.
Dear Strong and Single Yet Sad and Searching,
I think it’s completely normal to have conflicting feelings around being an independent woman and yet still wanting a partner to celebrate a high-pressure holiday with. The first thing I would suggest is to let yourself off of the hook. You’re a human being and you don’t have to always be strong, invincible, or emotionless to prove that you don’t need anyone else in order to be happy and whole.
It’s true that at our core essence, we are all complete and worthy beings, but it’s also true that as human beings we naturally seek connection, community, and relationships. So rather than beat yourself up for wanting a relationship, see it as a sign that you’re ready to take the next logical and natural step in your life.
Remember that you don’t have to sacrifice your independence just because you want a relationship and it doesn’t make you desperate or needy, it simply makes you human. Healthy relationships are actually the ones when two independent people come together to form an interdependent relationship or a relationship where two people mutually depend on each other.
The societal pressure of being coupled up for Valentine’s Day just exposed what’s been bubbling underneath the surface of the facade of being an independent woman means that you don’t need anyone. But the truth is, wanting to be loved doesn’t make you any less of an empowered woman, it just makes you an honest one.
The fact that you’re happy with who you are on your own and you don’t want to settle for an unhappy relationship proves that it’s probably time to let go of needing to be put on the ‘strong woman mask’ and embrace your vulnerable side that wants companionship. You worthy and deserving of love, from yourself and others.
But until you met your special someone, enjoy my Single Ladies Guide to Valentine’s Day below.
Single Ladies Guide to Valentine’s Day
Start your day with a Hello Mellow capsule to ease any being single on Valentine’s Day anxiety.
Treat yourself to your favorite breakfast-in-bed and just relax under your sheets for as long as your body needs.
Relax to a guided Self-Love meditation, you can find free ones on YouTube, meditation apps, or podcasts.
Commiserate with another single friend and be each other’s Valentine.
Buy gifts for yourself, have them wrapped, and then give them to yourself and enjoy the experience of unwrapping the gifts.
Have an at-home spa night with the Go Away, I’m Fizzy bath bomb, scented candles, music, and flowers.
Light some scented candles, pour your favorite drink, and write a love letter to yourself. Splurge on fancy stationery and revisit the love letter anytime you need a reminder of how lovable, worthy, and deserving you are.
Reconnect with nature and honor the longest relationship that you will ever have, the relationship that you have with yourself, and go for a walk, play in the snow, or dance in the rain.
This is my favorite tip, dress up for yourself! Do your make-up, do your hair, and get all dressed up just for yourself. Take a few selfies and show yourself some love.
Give yourself a massage and use the Pain, Pain, Go Away Cream to rub out any aches and pains.
Pop a Nighty Night capsule, spray your favorite scent on your pillows, and snuggle up to the best sleep of your life.
Jane is the fictional heroine of the Betoken lifestyle blog, Good For Jane. Think of Jane as your virtual BFF. She lives a healthy lifestyle, but not like, over the top. When it’s not a pandemic, she loves hanging out with her friends, dating and exercising in public. Throughout the pandemic she has baked her fair share of sourdoughs, gotten more than her fair share of takeout to “support her local restaurants”, ordered wine online and taken plenty of CBD to keep the anxiety at bay.
Jane is also the editor of the Dear Jane column. If you have a question for Jane, you can email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Jane, I’ve been married to my husband for ten years, but I’ve never felt more alone. In the beginning, we were best friends and our sexual chemistry was amazing, but for the past few years, he’s been withdrawn, works extremely long hours, and doesn’t seem that...
Dear Jane, Making friends as an adult has been a bit tough. When I landed my dream job, I moved across the country and left the majority of my friends on the West Coast as I settled into my new life on the East Coast. After a few months and actively going to...
Dear Jane, In a former life, I had aspirations of being an artist and one day opening up my own art gallery, but those dreams got deferred when I married my college sweetheart followed by the arrival of our beautiful boys and then our lovely little girl. I’m grateful...