Dear Jane, I’m Divorced and Struggling

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Dear Jane,

When I was 25, I thought that I was marrying the love of my life and that we would have a picture-perfect life until death did us part. But what actually caused us to part after 15 years of marriage was the two year long affair that he had with a young and hot associate at his production company. 

It wasn’t so much that he had an affair that devastated me, because if I’m being honest, we had grown apart and we hadn’t been intimate in a year, but it was the fact that he shamelessly flaunted his affair publicly. It was an open secret amongst our friend group which was composed of other married couples that we had been friends with since grad school. 

We share two sweet children between us, and luckily, they are old enough to understand that daddy and mommy are happier apart than together, but that doesn’t mean that we love them any less. 

The truth is, I’m the only one that seems to be grieving this divorce. I know that my marriage wasn’t perfect, but I’m still deeply in love with my now ex-husband, even though he’s now living with the other woman, and my children for the most part have adjusted well to our new normal. It’s hard to sleep through the night because my mind races with sadness and uncertainty. I just never imagined being a divorced mother of two at 40 that has to start over with her life.

Jane, how do I move on from the sadness and grief of having failed at my marriage? How do I stop loving a man that left me for another woman?

– xoxo, Divorced and Grieving

 

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You didn’t deserve this, and it seems as though it might be hard right now, but in the end, perhaps getting out of that divorce was a blessing in disguise. 

Dear Divorced and Grieving, 

First, I’m so sorry to hear about your divorce and that your husband cheated on you. Regardless of the state of marriage at the time, no one has the right to go outside of their marriage for their physical and emotional needs in the form of an affair – especially in such a public and disrespectful way. 

You didn’t deserve that and it seems as though it might be hard right now, but in the end, perhaps getting out of that divorce was a blessing in disguise – and don’t fret, I have a few ideas on how you can get out of your of grieving process and back into your groove in no time.

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Enjoy a Hello Mellow supplement at the beginning of your day and then throughout the day as-needed and as-directed to help calm your mind and focus your thoughts on feeling better rather than dwelling on what might have been in your marriage. 

Focus on Finding Support
I would find a therapist or counselor who can be a professional and objective form of support for you as you navigate the grieving process of healing from your divorce. It’s natural to feel confused, angry, sad, depressed, and lost because it’s an unnerving experience to find yourself starting your life over in such a jarring way and not on your own terms. 

You shouldn’t expect yourself to be superhuman and deal with this divorce alone, having someone to guide you through the process of unpacking your grief in a healthy way can speed up your process of reclaiming your power, joy, and self-love back into your life.

 

Pro tip:
I’d also suggest that you find a child’s therapist or counselor for your two little ones as well. Just because they seem to be well-adjusted to their new normal, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need some professional and objective guidance in dealing with the divorce.

Focus on Dating Yourself 
If you’ve been married for 15 years, chances are that you might have forgotten to focus on finding out who you are and cultivating a loving and curious relationship with yourself as a woman. A few ideas to get you started could be taking up a new hobby that you’ve always been interested in trying, traveling to an exotic location alone, taking yourself out to dinner, joining a new club or in-real-life social network, or practicing healthy boundaries with others by standing in your power and doing exactly what you want to do.

Pro tip:
Expand your friendship group to go beyond the same circle of married couples that you’ve always hung out with because it would be nice to get a fresh start with people who don’t have so much history with you and your ex-husband. Your new friend group wouldn’t feel like they had to “choose a side” and you might feel less judged by people who weren’t witnesses to your ex-husband’s public cheating. 

But no matter what, you will get your groove back. Ride this wave of grief and there will be a sunrise on the other side. 

 

xoxo, Jane

Jane is the fictional heroine of the Betoken lifestyle blog, Good For Jane. Think of Jane as your virtual BFF. She lives a healthy lifestyle, but not like, over the top. When it’s not a pandemic, she loves hanging out with her friends, dating, and exercising in public. Throughout the pandemic she has baked her fair share of sourdoughs, gotten more than her fair share of takeout to “support her local restaurants”, ordered wine online and taken plenty of CBD to keep the anxiety at bay. 

Jane is also the editor of the Dear Jane column. If you have a question for Jane, you can email her at candy@betokencbd.com.

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