Dear Jane, He won’t commit. What to do?

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Dear Jane,

In every other aspect of my life, I have my stuff together. I’m successful in my career, I own my own home, I have a wonderful family, and I’m blessed with great friends. But the one area that I’m lacking in is the love department. 

I’ve been seeing the same guy for the past two years but he’s told me that he’s not ready for a relationship but yet he won’t end things either. We do all of the things that a serious couple does from talking about our future, sharing our goals, being intimate, and spending the majority of our spare time together, but when it comes to the big stuff, he always lets me down.

He doesn’t post pics of us on Instagram or introduce me to his friends  – and worst of all – he completely flaked on my birthday. I’m approaching 40 and the thought of starting over at this age terrifies me and I really do love him, but I’m at the point where I need a real commitment from him, especially because I want to have children and my biological clock is ticking – loudly.

Jane, what should I do? Am I just wasting my time?

– Almost 40 and Ticking


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Remember, his inability to commit does not define your worth. You are intrinsically valuable and deserving of love.” 

Dear Almost 40 and Ticking, 

I hope you’re ready for some tough love here, but yes. You’re 100% wasting your time with this guy. If it’s been two years and you’ve been clear that you want a serious and committed relationship, then it’s past due for you to cut bait. 

This guy is clearly getting all of the benefits of being in a relationship with you without having to commit to you or change his ways. He’s not posting about you on Instagram because he’s probably dating other women and he wants to give the appearance that he’s single. He’s told you that he’s not ready for a relationship, so listen to him.

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I would suggest having a serious conversation with him, not a fight, and communicate with him with how you feel and what you want, and then be prepared to walk away. Stop the booty calls and cut contact for a few months. This time apart can help in realizing your worth and provide space for you to up your self-love game. Something that may help ease the anxiety and initial heartache from the break-up, is a Hello Mellow capsule daily and seeking support from friends and family. 

For the first few weeks, date yourself. Focus on taking care of yourself and plan a Big Night In with a soothing CBD-infused bubble bath with Go Away, I’m Fizzy CBD bath bomb, a glass of your favorite wine, massaging your body with the Pain, Pain, Go Away Cream on all of your tension points, and then follow-up your date night with a peaceful night’s rest thanks to the Nighty Night capsules.

Then, download a few dating apps and get back on the horse. Age is just a number and it’s never too late to start over. There are tons of really great guys out there who aren’t afraid to commit and are ready for relationships. The trick is not settling before you meet him. You can freeze your eggs, adopt, become a step-mom, or opt to have children later in life. Luckily, there are so many options these days that there’s really no excuse why you can’t have exactly what you and what you deserve. 

Remember, his inability to commit does not define your worth. You are intrinsically valuable and deserving of love. More likely than not, once he knows that you’re really fed up and you’re sticking to your boundaries and standards, he’ll come crawling back. And if not, you’ll be too busy enjoying your new life and loving yourself to notice. 

xoxo, Jane

Jane is the fictional heroine of the Betoken lifestyle blog, Good For Jane. Think of Jane as your virtual BFF. She lives a healthy lifestyle, but not like, over the top. When it’s not a pandemic, she loves hanging out with her friends, dating, and exercising in public. Throughout the pandemic she has baked her fair share of sourdoughs, gotten more than her fair share of takeout to “support her local restaurants”, ordered wine online and taken plenty of CBD to keep the anxiety at bay. 

Jane is also the editor of the Dear Jane column. If you have a question for Jane, you can email her at

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